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And I did feel kind of abandoned by the people I felt closest to, whowere moving on with their lives and doing things I could only dream of.I couldn't help but wonder if I'd be doing those things too if I'd nevertaken this crazy detour to female-hood. Thanks a lot, Julia! All I hadgoing for me was my job as a waitress and an on-again off-again loveaffair with a ski bum who didn't live anywhere near me, and who probablyhad umpteen other girlfriends strategically located all over thecountry. Oh, did I say 'other' girlfriends, like I was actually a memberof that group? As IF! No, I was still just a pretender, an in-between, amisguided young guy who somehow ended up making himself over intosomeone God never meant him to be, by some complete fluke. Or maybe itwasn't so fluky, it was just a stupid, totally insane sequence of eventsthat I should never have let myself get caught up in.Well, one thing for sure, I wouldn't have gotten beat up by that now-deceased low-life. What a complete and. I’m actually a rather scrupulous person, which is I’m still so bitter about what the Justice Department did to me. But the thing that really makes me happy today is that Kitty, my lesbian friend, is pregnant. I’ve known for a few days but it’s just now sinking in. It gives me something to live for and a great amount of hope. It’s been a long winter but maybe spring is finally taking hold. Kitty has a partner, a ‘butch,’ and they are really the sweetest family. They each have a kid of their own and parenting is the center of their lives. Laura is in college to be a nurse. They don’t have much money so she sometimes donates plasma to take the kids to the mall, etc. I’m not contractually obligated to send child support but I pray that I will be in a position to offer help. after note: As I was walking to the library to write an essay on Richard III, I saw an Asian man juggling five red balls. He would juggle them tightly and then unbelievably high. You could tell that you struggled.
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